That was totally lame. Then I discovered Valerie Kemp's wonderful blog, especially her amazing post about first chapters.
The revised first chapter ended up skipping the boring social commentary Zach makes, and getting right to the conflict: Zach and Patrick fighting over how to define their relationship.
Valerie's blog post was just the kick-in-the-pants I needed to go from booooooring to WOW.
And so, with FAKE, I took the first chapter from "wtf, this chick is just sitting at the dinner table watching her family" to "WTF this chick is deliberating picking a fight with her parents in front of national TV cameras!!!"
It appears that most of my first chapters including fighting, in some way... hmmm...