Monday, March 5, 2012

The Summary For Every Paranormal YA Ever

So I've been dicking around on Goodreads for the past million hours, reading reviews and summaries and dissecting every little thing (you know, as one does) and it occurred to me that most publisher-provided book summaries sound exactly alike. There are stock phrases used in a lot of blurbs that you would probably recognize -- "dark secrets," "enigmatic strangers," "...will never be the same," etc. Even blurb construction from summary to summary is similar, and once you've been reading them for long enough, they all sound very much alike.

YA Paranormal Romance is probably the worst genre for this blurb-alike phenomenon. I swear, some days I feel so jaded that I could look at a cover and title and come up with a generic YA blurb and it probably wouldn't be that far off from the real summary. So, feeling particularly jaded and bitter today, I started to copy and paste quotes and phrases from various YA paranormal blurbs and cobbled them together into a master generic blurb. Then I amped up the silliness because, let's face it, it's just more fun when parodies are over-the-top.

So here's my Summary For Every Paranormal YA Ever. It's all in good fun, but there's a grain of edumacational goodness here, too: writers? Don't write stories like this. They are tired. Let's please write original stories. I will probably tackle other genres with generic blurbs, too, because it's fun and I'm procrastinating, as always.

Here it is!



After the tragic death of Girl’s parents, Girl hears voices and has visions. On the night of her seventeenth birthday, she meets two enigmatic strangers. Boy McNextdoor is all-American and fun, but she is instantly drawn to darkly handsome Dark McHandsome, who reveals that she's a reincarnated goddess and that he has been her protector for centuries, because for some reason powerful goddesses need protectors. He’s also mean and borderline abusive but Girl is intrigued by his brooding ways.

Now Girl must choose which male figure to devote her life to. Should she choose safe, average Boy McNextdoor, who is nice and stuff but not enough of a jerk? Or should she choose the destiny that has already been pre-chosen for her, a life with Dark McHandsome? Should she choose wrong, the entire universe could explode. For some reason.


I'm not trying to pick on any one book or author. Just expressing my frustrations with YA as a whole.

10 comments:

  1. Boy McNextdoor sounds very intriguing. Already I am choosing sides. But Dark McHandsome probably has chiseled abs along with his prepetual frown and no matter how nice Boy is you just can't beat a good pair of abs.

    I love this post and totally agree. :] I'm so tired of reading these types of stories.

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    1. Oh, Dark McHandsome is guaranteed to have chiseled abs. And chiseled cheekbones. But Boy McNextdoor has dimples. Hmm, the choice is a difficult one :P

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  2. Haha - have you forgotten the Dark McHandsome's secret society that he is defying just to be with Girl?

    Also I'm so glad that someone else uses the verb dicking around. All my friends give me weird looks when I use that phrase. :|

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    1. Argh, totally forgot the secret society! Or, alternately, Boy McNextdoor is an angel and Dark McHandsome is a demon. Cue impending battle between heaven and hell that, for some reason, hinges on a random boring girl.

      "Dicking around" is so fun to say!

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  3. Hahaha. This is flat out amazing. And is why I have to steer clear of YA paranormals for awhile. Too many times now, I've started reading one and I feel more like I'm reading a recipe than a novel!

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    1. Thank you! I totally feel your pain :( I haven't read a truly original YA paranormal romance in years. Even Daughter of Smoke and Bone felt tired to me. I should probably just stop reading books I know I won't like, haha.

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  4. "So I've been dicking around on Goodreads for the past million hours, reading reviews and summaries and dissecting every little thing (you know, as one does)"

    HAHA. that sounds like my life summed in one paragraph, yo :P love the post! i agree w/a lot of what you said, even though i found it frustrating. not that you said it, obvz, but the fact that my formerly-PNR-book-which-i-am-trying-desperately-to-turn-into-a-unique-urban-fantasy's orignal premise was so similar to the Archetypal Summary of a YA PNR book. i used to drive myself cray thinking that, but then i just decided, wtf, i'll just write my book the best i can, even if the premise is a bit overused-seeming, because at least my characters and the mythology and events that occur are unique. even if there's a, sigh, secret society involved which the love interest must rebel against. hehe.

    and you know what? it's not the SUMMARIES that are similar, but the books themselves? oh my. i went on a PNR fix last year to clear my TBR pile and once i'd read 'em all i couldn't even remember the specifics of any of them. how effed up is that?!

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  5. Hilarious. But unfortunately, also very true. I will do my very best to never write a story that meets the above summary. Tis my goal in life! :-)

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  6. It's scary and sad how true that your faux book summary is. Twilight comes to mind right away.

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  7. I was googling paranormal YA stuff and came across this. HILARIOUS! Thanks for making me smile!

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