Monday, August 6, 2012

My Bad Writing: Betrayal by Family, Part Two

Welcome to Part Two! If you missed it, here's Part One.

When we last left Ea and Emmith, the idiotic heroine and hero of my unfortunate tale, they were running away from Ea's evil Uncle Unriché, who had planned to kill Ea... at some point. He just had dinner with her, alone. Why didn't he kill her then?


The next chapter picks up with this gem of a line:

Next morning, Ea woke to the smell of fish.

...all I want to do is *facepalm*. Serious cringe. Ahhhh, don't look at me, I'm not the same writer as the one who wrote this line!

It only gets better.

"Where am I?" she said sleepily as she looked around her. She was in a small clearing in a forest, and on the other side of the clearing Emmith sat with his back to her, crouched over a campfire.

"Oh, Princess, you're awake. I made some breakfast, if you want it," he said, blushing.

"Thank you, Emmith. And you don't need to call me princess, just Ea is good." She sat up on her bed of leaves and rubbed her eyes. "So, Emmith, where exactly are we?"

Oh god. Braided ropes. Beds of leaves. The silliness continues.

And continues:

Emmith shrugged. "I dunno, exactly, but we're about nine, possibly ten kilometers from your uncle's palace, approximately."

Sigh. Then we get the obligatory "heroine looks intently at hero and realizes he is the smexiest guy evah" paragraph.

Ea looked at him intently. He was a very good-looking boy with nearly shoulder-length curly dark brown hair framing his adorably innocent face and big brown eyes. All Ea's ladies in waiting fancied him, and he was the talk of their sewing sessions. Emmith was a young blacksmith's apprentice and he made swords for the king and his knights.

HA. Will Turner, is that you?!

And then, basically, Ea sees that he brought a sword with him and she asks "What if my uncle sends soldiers after us?" and Emmith basically says "Meh, ain't no thang" and then they eat fish for breakfast. Bleh.

Then we flash back to the palace for the best villain moment I've ever written.

Lord Unriché stood in the great hall sniggering to himself and waiting for his niece to make her appearance. 

"Captain," he shouted at a soldier.

"Yes, my lord?"

"Has the princess come down yet?"

"No, not yet, sir."

"Lazy oversleeper. Send her maid to wake her. I'm getting impatient."

"Yes, sir."

Lord Unriché chuckled. He was feeling quite happy that day. His brother and that wife of his captured by soldiers in Stevron, and their only child was to be arrested where she thought she was safe. 

"My lord, she's gone!" a young soldier approached Unriché.

"What? What do you mean, she's gone?" he spat.

"Her window was open and the bed is empty! No sign of her!"

"Are you sure? She couldn't have just disappeared! Send men into the grounds to find her! Search everywhere within a mile of here!" he shouted. His good mood was temporarily ruined.

Can't... stop... laughing.

Unriché, it's your fault. You should've just arrested her at one of the million opportunities you had earlier. Quit chuckling and sniggering to yourself and get some kidnapping done.

Okay, then the POV snaps back to Ea and Emmith, who are crouched in some bushes listening to some soldiers who randomly appeared near them. This scene is boring. They overhear a page-long argument about whether to go east or west. It's unremarkable, except for the part where "a voice shouted at a stubborn voice."

And then this happens:

Emmith smiled worriedly at Ea, who was white with fear. Then Emmith did something he had wanted to do ever since he met Ea eight years before. He pulled her close to him in a tight embrace, and to his surprise she didn't resist. She just sank into his arms, and there she stayed for minutes that seemed to be hours.

To my eleven-year-old mind, this was blush-inducing, perfect romance. A hug. Really. I kind of feel like reaching back in time and slapping myself, because to no one else is hugging a distraught person who just heard a bunch of people say that her uncle was going to murder her romantic. It's just a decent thing to do. Also, Emmith is still an idiot. And a Will Turner ripoff. And a Josh Groban wannabe.

I forget if there's a part coming up where he sings, but knowing my eleven-year-old self, I'm sure there must be.

Thank you for reading! Stay tuned for Part Three!


  1. Search within a 1 mile radius. Lord Unriche must have thought his neice was pretty darn slow. I'm getting a feeling he's not gonna catch her. (Don't ruin it for me though, I want to hear the end.)

    I know this because I've watched a lot of cheesy slasher flicks where the killer offs everyone in site. But when they catch someone who lives more than 10 seconds, you know most likely that person will make it to the end. Not always, no, but a pretty good chance.

    1. The one mile radius thing just makes me laugh the instant I think of it. What is she, a snail? And it's especially funny that Emmith says, in a paragraph I omitted, "I didn't think they'd search this far out." LOL.